The Unseen Side of The Independent Girl
For most of my life, I have been extremely independent. From a young age, I learned how to self soothe, entertain myself and be my own biggest supporter.
One of the most difficult and frustrating things I have experienced throughout my journey of self love and devotion is feeling like no matter how much work you do to deeply fall in love with yourself, not everyone is able to see or will want all that you have to offer.
I love myself. I love myself so much it hurts at times. I have done so much work to get to know myself and I am constantly refining myself so that I can bring more to the world, be a better partner/friend/person and looking at ways that I can live in a more unconditional and whole hearted way.
I know I bring a lot to the table.
But since getting to this place in my life, I’ve noticed a discordance that people still reject me, disappoint me, push me away and consciously choose that they don’t want me in their life.
I think of the quote, “You can be the juiciest, ripest peach and there are always going to be people who don’t like peaches.” Keep in mind, I love peaches.
And I’m not talking about people who don’t like me. I really could care less if someone vibes with me or not but rather, I think of this surrounding potential connections, friendships that have fizzled and people that I want to be in my life but that desire is not always reciprocal.
I grew up thinking I had to earn love.
I thought that if I did everything right, I would be worthy of the love of my parents, classmates, teachers, etc. I found a way to control this uncontrollable thing in my life and I also began thinking conditional love was the only type of love meant for me.
So now, I always find ways to do the most in order to “win someone over.”
Sometimes it hurts too much to accept the fact that some people don’t see (or don’t need, want or like) me and all that I have to offer. There are some people that don’t want to put in the work to create a reciprocal relationship, whether platonic or romantic.
It’s frustrating. It’s disappointing. It makes me question my own self – no matter how deeply I love myself on a normal basis.
I wonder, what am I doing wrong? I wonder, why is it that I look in the mirror and see this beautiful being that loves so unconditionally but it feels like the world sees something different? I wonder, why it feels so difficult sometimes to find people who are willing to put the work in to have me in their life? Am I asking for too much? Am I too much? Is there something I am missing?
These questions come from the little girl within who never felt good enough growing up. They come from the little girl who wanted so badly to be loved, and who still does.
And when I hear these questions pop up in my mind, I remind myself this has nothing to do with me.
How other people perceive me has nothing to do with me.
Whether or not people want me in their life has nothing to do with me.
You can have the deepest connection with someone and that connection is only meant to last for that moment, or maybe come around again in the future.
As I have been thinking and reflecting on these themes over the past week, I realize that so often I expect others to love me the way I love. I expect people to treat me the same way that I would and thus, am disappointed when they love me in the way that they can.
I pride myself in my ability and desire to love without condition most humans I cross paths with. Maybe it’s my Venus in Pisces or wanting to always see the Buddha nature in every person I meet but I love deeply and maybe a little sooner than I should.
Many times, my ego gets in the way and writes a story that tells me I am experiencing rejection rather than experiencing someone living their own life and that not completely lining up with mine. It has nothing to do with me.
For someone who has told herself for years that she could always earn love and validation, it’s a tricky situation to accept that it’s not always about you and sometimes there isn’t anything you can do to get someone to love you the way you expect them to.
But part of unconditional love is loving and accepting someone as they are.
I’m in the work of letting go of the expectations I hold on people – my family, my friends, potential partners, etc. I want to stop expecting rejection at every corner and start loving people for where they are at.
But on the other hand, I know how much I bring to the table.
I’m at a point in my life where I only want people in my life who are a fuck yes.
I want people in my life who want me in my life and who are willing to put the effort and energy into nourishing and sustaining a relationship.
I am extremely intentional with my time and energy and value I place on my relationships; thus, I hold the people close to me to a high standard. I expect mutual respect and admiration and support and to feel like a priority in the lives of those I care so deeply about.
It can be difficult and disappointing when you realize that someone you wanted to develop a deeper relationship with is not ready and/or willing to put in the work with you but I will no longer settle for someone who barely shows up for me.
I expect a lot from the people close to me in my life but that is only because I deeply value relationships of high quality and I’d rather have fewer quality relationships than many surface level friendships.
I read a quote this morning that stated, “Be okay with saying: I love myself, and I am allowed to want more for myself.” I only want the best for myself and my life and that is perfectly okay. It may be lonely at times but at the end of the day it is so fulfilling because I know I am filling my cup up first and living a life that is in service to my soul.
Being independent taught me how to accept myself, love myself and honor myself. I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
This was originally posted on my Substack, The Process. To learn and read more, subscribe here.