The Shame that Comes with Disordered Thinking
I really love this picture of me. The red contrasts great against my dark hair and my smile is genuine. Could you believe that I thought I looked “too wide” when I first saw this picture? Yeah, talk about a skewed body image.While I am beginning to feel more and more freedom surrounding food, I still carry around a lot of shame from my restrictive thoughts. I remember when I started being honest with myself and the people around me last year and telling them that I was having restrictive thoughts and felt myself slipping into an eating disorder, someone told me that I was being dramatic.
“You don’t have an eating disorder. You’re fine."
I don’t want to explicitly say I had an eating disorder mostly because it was never diagnosed but also because it’s almost that I have been programmed to think that those disordered thoughts that have infiltrated my mind in the past 2 years are not good enough.
Eating Disorders Aren't One Size Fits All
Just because these disordered thinking patterns did not lead to something much worse like bulimia or anorexia (which I am so so thankful for) that’s not to say that they have not held me back. What about all of the anxiety attacks I have had before events where I didn’t know the food being served? Or when I had to have more on ONE rest day?These thoughts, feelings, and emotions are all valid. I haven’t always felt like they were. Back to the whole shame thing. I recently have become aware of all the shame I carry around with me. Shame about a lot of things but let’s talk about the shame surrounding my disordered thoughts.
The Shame
Just last weekend, I remember thinking to myself “I wish I could order regular ice cream in a waffle cone.” I mean ok, we can even do vegan ice cream since dairy does hurt my stomach but still. I can’t even bring myself to order ice cream in a waffle cone because it brings so much guilt into my mind. I can’t lie, I have a lot of shame because of that.While I don’t really let my thoughts dictate my life anymore, I still have those disordered thoughts. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t have these thoughts. I have trained myself when looking at menus, I automatically go to the “cleanest” item on the menu. In a lot of aspects, this is great and I do generally enjoy the healthier options but it is still restricting.
Disordered Thoughts Are Exhausting
I am in this weird place where I am constantly having to ask myself, “Am I doing this because it is healthy and will make me feel good?” or “Am I doing this because I think it’s what I should do rather than what I want to do?” It is exhausting.I never really talk about these thoughts with people and I think a lot of it is because I honestly only became aware of them recently. I think the shame of eating disorders and disordered thinking is something that is not really talked about. Just because someone no longer lets these thoughts control their life, doesn’t mean these thoughts immediately stop controlling their mind.Eating disorders or disordered thinking isn't the same for everyone. Just like everything else in life, it manifests itself differently for different people. And as with everything in life, your thoughts/emotions/feelings are valid. Although they might not look like the norm, they still matter. YOU matter. I don’t have any answers to a lot of this because I am still working through it. I am still working through the disordered thoughts, the shame, and finding a balance between living a healthy lifestyle and being obsessed with being healthy.I originally planned for this to be an Instagram caption but then my fingers kept typing and typing so here we are. It’s also National Eating Disorder Awareness week so I thought a spur of the moment blog post was necessary. If you have any thoughts on this topic or just would like to chat about it, feel free to message me on Instagram! - my ears are always open :)