How Expectations Are Keeping You Small In Life

It’s funny, really. I spent three months living in an intentional community. The expectations I had going in were anything far from how my experience actually was. I went into this experience at a sober, vegan meditation center that I would find my people. People who were also sober, living intentionally, and meditating all the time. There was no doubt in my mind that I would continue being sober, meditate more than ever before, and really fall in love with eating vegan and gluten free. I expected all of these things because, why wouldn’t I? On paper it made sense but life never works that way, right?

Being Honest with You

The truth is, I am no longer sober or vegan. In fact, I started drinking and eating meat (like steak...uhhh what?) about a month into living in this community. I didn’t drink or eat meat or any of that stuff while I was on property–I am a decent human being who respects the community, duh. But, I started toying with the idea of a glass of wine here or there. I thought, I’m in Hawaii, I owe it to myself to live a little.

I’ve battled my entire life with this need to see life as extremes. I’m either this or that. Black or white. Yes or no. While I’ve known that the true practice is actually in finding the middle way, it proved to be hard for me to actually find that middle way. I did it once with my relationship with food and I’m see now that I can do it again with things like alcohol. 

I wrote a couple of months ago on my Instagram, 

“Even though all the expectations that I had for myself are slowly withering away, I am beginning to see more clearly that *this* is the work. It’s not about sitting to meditate everyday or showing up on your mat but it’s about integrating and using those tools/lessons you’ve learned throughout your practice in the REAL world. I could sit in meditation for hours every single day for the rest of my life but what’s the point if I don’t ever put my practice to use?”

For so long, I’ve tried to be perfect. I try to do everything right in order to keep myself from messing up or making mistakes. Jokes on me because there is no right or wrong. While my expectations led to a different outcome, I think I needed them to learn. Maybe I needed to come to this community to realize that it doesn’t make me less spiritual if I enjoy a nice glass of wine. I shouldn’t feel guilty for eating meat if that is what my body is craving. And God forbid I don’t meditate everyday...do I think the world is going to end if that happens?

The Trap of Perfection

It’s easy to fall into the trap of perfection in life in general and especially on this spiritual path. We can create a narrative in our lives that everything is going to be perfect when we do x, y, and z but we can do all those things and the cycles of life will still go on. The sun won’t stay out forever no matter how good you are. It still needs to set and the moon needs to rise. These cycles, just like the seasons and just like life death rebirth, will always be there no matter how hard we do or don’t try. 

I’m realizing that life isn’t so much about being perfect or making the right decisions as it is honoring our ever changing seasons of life. To me, it is more important to honor my truth (as it changes and stays the same) each moment than it is to focus so much on “where something is going to get me.” It’s courageous to honor your truth. It is admirable to wake up each morning and say, this is me today and that person was different than who I was yesterday and may be different tomorrow.

The Truth of It All

If you would have asked me 3 months ago if I wanted a drink, I would have wholeheartedly said no. I had expectations that I’d live this sober life forever. But the seasons of life change and I feel differently. That’s not to say I want to go out and get drunk (I don’t) but I no longer fear the idea of simply having a glass and sharing connection to those around me. It’s not just about the wine though, it’s about life in general. I no longer fear giving myself permission to change and to allow life to be different than I expect. I open my heart and mind to embracing the ever changing nature of life and I hope to inspire you to do the same.