We May be Apart but You Are Never Alone

Disclaimer: This post is going to talk about some heavy topics including depression and suicide. If you are struggling or need support for you or a loved one, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. And if you just need a friend, always feel free to reach out to me through email, DMs, or comments. You are an irreplaceable piece of this world. "If I am an advocate for anything, it is to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. Walk in someone else's shoes or at least eat their food. It's a plus for everybody." -Anthony BourdainEarlier this week, I was sitting at my internship when I first saw that designer, Kate Spade, had committed suicide. This morning, as I was waking up and scrolling through my Instagram, I saw that one of my lifelong inspirations, Anthony Bourdain, had done the same. I think this week, on top of plenty of other seemingly "happy" celebrities taking their own life, has served as a slap in the face.First of all, mental illness is an illness. Just like the flu. Just like any other physical ailment you'd be treated for–the only difference is mental illness isn't always obvious. You can't just look at a person and be like, "oh yea, they are depressed." It doesn't work that way. As a society, we must break the stigma behind things like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. It's ok to get help but more importantly, it's ok to NOT be ok.I could go on and on about the things in our society that we need to change in order for tragedies like this to stop happening but it's not going to make much of a difference. I do, however, want to share my own struggles with depression. This is not something I talk about much, and didn't plan on opening up about on here, but I think it is fitting. And I feel like I need to get my story with depression and mental health out there into the world.Before we get into anything, I want to say that this is not a cry for help. I am grateful that I have moved through those times with depression. Although life has it's ups and downs and sometimes I feel confused, lost, blah about life; I am happier and more fulfilled in my life that I ever have been. To my friends and family who I haven't shared these stories with, I don't want you to feel responsible/guilty or any of those feelings. I am so lucky for my life and the people around me; if it weren't for them I don't think I would feel this joy or thirst for life. Ok, now to the juicy stuff!

My Experience with Depression

I don't even know where to start and what all to talk about because, honestly, I think my brain has suppressed a lot of the feelings that I felt (or lack there of) during this time. I'll do my best though. Just a little back story on my childhood, I started dancing when I was 5 and continued until I was 18. I was bullied in elementary school. And I was the type of person that let everyone walk all over her until...now haha.When I was 9 or 10, I distinctly remember hearing older kids say things like "FML" "I hate my life" and thinking to myself I don't understand why anyone would hate their life. It makes no sense! Ah, little innocent Nikki–how cute. Growing up until the end of my freshman year of high school, I'd say I was really happy. Sure, I let people walk all over me and I cried over a lot of boys but nothing too serious.I'm not exactly sure when I started noticing that I wasn't happy but I do know it was sometime during the start of sophomore year. Ironically, I'd say that this was also the peak of my dance career–I was dancing 20+ hours a week. Sometime in the midst of this busy time, I started noticing that my light or excitement for life was fading. I felt like I was a robot moving through the motions of life and to put it simply, I felt numb. I didn't feel like being an active participant in my life.

seeking help

During this time, I remember journaling and being aware that the way that I was feeling wasn't right but I never said much about it. I never associated myself with someone who had depression–I thought my life was "too good" for that. I'd probably tweet some cryptic tweet about how "this place is suffocating" (talking about Kentucky) but I never brought it up to my parents or friends. I will say (and I don't suggest this), I figured my shit out on my own. Through journaling, spending alone time, lots of baths, I slowly pieced myself together. I also eventually told my parents how I had been feeling (after the fact).My dad is a therapist so I usually just talk to him about my problems which I still do to this day. I did go to a therapist once during this time and I hated it because I felt like I was just repeating everything I figured out on my own. I do think it would be beneficial for me to go to a therapist consistently buuut I'll think about that on another day.I remember my new year's resolution of my sophomore year was "to find happiness." I now know that there is no "finding" happiness because we all have it within ourselves but it about surrounding ourselves with people, things, practices that allow space for the happiness. I'd be lying if I said I still don't feel "numb" from time to time. And I'd be lying if I said it's one of my biggest fears to fall back into the deep "funk" "depression" "sadness" that I felt during sophomore year. It scares me, it really does. But I can't let that fear stop me from being present in this life that I adore.I am lucky to have never had thoughts about ending my life. It got bad for me but never that bad. I always had hope that things would get better. I think it is when we lose hope that we spiral down a deep dark path. Things will always better. There is always going to be sunshine after the rain. It may rain for days, weeks, months on end but the sun never leaves.

today.

I feel really emotional today. I think it's a mix of having one of your childhood inspirations be taken from the life but also reflecting on what he could have been feeling and then what I went through. Yesterday, I found out that I will be rooming with a girl name Shiori from Japan next year when I am living in BELGIUM. I think about the countless night I would lay in my bed feeling so suffocated and feeling like I'd never leave Kentucky. My dreams and aspirations in life were always what kept me going and it feels surreal to see them actually happening.Life is so beautiful and I am noticing that more and more everyday. I don't want to take any part of it for granted. I love life and I love all of you. Each and every one of you. My heart still feels heavy but I have hope that through the power of love and compassion we can make the world an easier place to live in. Just a little reminder, no matter how "strong" anyone looks, they could always be hurting on the inside. It's easy to cover things up and not show your wounds to the world. Be compassionate, be present, and be there for those around you.