When "Clean Eating" Gets Dirty

My relationship with food has evolved quite a bit in the past couple of years. As a child, there was no term "clean eating" in my vocabulary. My Dad introduced me to traditional Italian meals like spaghetti and meatballs and eggplant parmesan while I have my Mom to thank for all of the traditional southern/Kentucky dishes such as broccoli casserole and mac 'n cheese made with Velveeta. I have always loved food. I have always loved watching my parents cook which eventually led to me helping in the kitchen. Now I love to cook. (Here's a shoutout to my amazing parents who are the reason I love food so, so much) I don't remember a time when I wasn't planning out my next meal.

Don't You Miss Your Early Teenage Metabolism?

Up until my junior year of high school, I never really thought about what I was eating or "being healthy." I danced all through my childhood and eventually attended a performing arts high school for dance–I have always been very active. Growing up, my parents cooked the majority of the week but there were always a few nights after late rehearsals or purely out of cravings, where I would get fast food–usually Chick-Fil-A or Wendy's. This was just second nature to me. I never thought about how I would fit my greens into a meal or if I was eating enough protein.Being a dancer, I stared at myself in the mirror and constantly compared myself to my peers. I was never "fat" persay, but I was never happy with my body. I can remember when I was as young as 12, I would look at my thighs when I was sitting down and think about how ugly they were. I have struggled with body image issues my entire life, but that story will come at another time.Fast forward to junior year of high school, I ate at places like Taco Bell, McDonald's, and Buffalo Wild Wings as least once a week. Mostly for socializing with my friends, but also because it was cheap and convenient. During this time, my older sister transitioned to a vegan/gluten free diet and raved about how good it made her feel. I remember thinking, "giving up cheese?! that's impossible."

The Start of my Clean Eating Journey

Looking back at it, I'm not even sure what prompted me to decide this but for my New Year's Resolution in 2016 (my senior year), but I wanted to go vegan. I'll admit it, I did feel pretty cool saying, "oh yeah, I'm vegan." I like attention...I'm a dancer, this isn't all that surprising.I was never a huge meat eater so being vegetarian wasn't hard at all for me. After a couple of months of trying out veganism, I ended up incorporating dairy and fish back into my diet. Honestly, even though I was "vegan," the whole healthy eating thing didn't really resonate with me.Ok, fast forward again (this post had a long back story so let's get on with the program), my first year of college. Gaining the "freshman 15" was probably one of my biggest fears. Again with the body image issues, a reoccurring theme that I have yet to deal with. Throughout my entire first year, I didn't eat enough. This was almost never intentionally. Mostly because 1. I didn't LOVE the dining hall food 2. I was stingy at the grocery store and almost never bought enough for the week.While I was still eating fairly "healthy," I also began exercising almost everyday. In my defense, working out felt more like my "me" time and not a burden, but it did get obsessive. And it got to the point where I would feel sick to my stomach if I had to miss a workout. Between the overexercising and undereating, I felt sore, unmotivated to hangout with my friends, and I just felt lost.In my mind, I saw hardly any real problems. I was aware that I needed to eat more but I thought, "oh, this is what a healthy lifestyle looks like." When I would wake up, I would stare at myself in the mirror and see if my abs were showing that day. It began to feel like an addiction. My friends and people outside of my life admired me for being so "dedicated" and "consistent." The compliments fueled the fire behind these obsessive behaviors. Although not diagnosed, I believe that my first year of college was the start of my orthorexia.

Dealing with the start of Orthorexia

When I came home from school this summer, I was fully aware that things needed to change. I began to incorporate more fish (more protein) into my diet and began doing more yoga which pushed me to slow down and listen to my body. By the end of the summer, I did feel much better and I felt that I was eating enough again. But I do not think that my journey with orthorexia is over. I continue to feel guilty when I don't workout more than 4-5 times a week. I make sure I include greens in every meal–and I feel guilty if I don't. I try to eat as "clean" as possible but sometimes it just makes me feel crazy.I have to tell my brain not to feel guilty if I treat myself to a Hi-Five Donut or if I "treat" myself to a Coconut Milk Matcha Latte (umm...those are actually good for you, Nikki?!). Food is one of my passions and I am afraid that just like dance, this passion is going to begin to feel like a chore and I will eventually get burnt out.The message behind "clean eating" is fantastic. Yes, eating more vegetables is amazing for you. Yes, less sugar in your diet will make your life longer. Surprise, my body doesn't feel amazing after I eat dairy. That is all OK. But there is a line that many people are begin to cross where these good intentions turn into restrictive behaviors.Social media is not helping this obsession either. I scroll through my popular page and see endless pictures of meal preps, transformation pictures, and "cheat day eats." Can you even be surprised how easy it is to become obsessed with this "lifestyle"? It is everywhere you turn. Today's society as a whole is obsessed with the latest fad diet while indulging themselves in the fattiest, cheesiest, foods on their "cheat day." We can't get away from it.

Starting Your Own Journey

Whether you are just beginning your journey to living a healthier lifestyle or you are feeling stuck, just like I do a lot of the time. Take time to listen to your body. If you take time to listen, your body will tell you the food and exercise it is craving. I have begun taking the time to slow down and listen to my body and I am working towards mental clarity and stability in relation to food, exercise, and my body. This is a your life, it is a journey. There's not right or wrong way to lead a healthier lifestyle.Don't know where to start? Send me a message, I'd love to share with you things that work for me and what has helped me so far in this journey. If you have any tips you'd like to share on developing a healthy, and loving, relationship with food/exercise, i'd love to hear that too :)XO,Nikki