So What Happens Once You Find Food Freedom?

I wrote a post all about snacking to post this week but then I realized that I wasn't being honest with you all or myself. While I do feel like I have found freedom around food–which I am so proud of myself and so happy to be able to honestly say that–I don't think my relationship with food and working out is completely healed.The other day, Jordan from The Balanced Blonde, published a blog post on overcoming sugar addiction and said somethings regarding healing from orthorexia that really resonated with me.

When I first started recovering from orthorexia, sugar was a big crutch. It was something I leaned on when everything else in my life felt like it was spiraling out of control. It was still so hard for me to get used to eating meat, poultry, eggs, etc. but sugar? Sugar felt safe to me in a way (even though I knew the dangers of refined sugar and so many other types of hidden sugars… I didn’t care, at the time), and it soothed my soul on days where I felt so lost.When I first let up on all of my food rules, sugar was extremely exciting to me. In particular, frozen yogurt. When I was orthorexic / diehard raw vegan I didn’t eat real sugar for YEARS… nor did I ever have anything that even tasted remotely sugary. But in my recovery, going out for a little (or big) fro-yo with all of the yummy toppings felt like the ultimate “non eating disorder” thing to do. At first it was fine and harmless, and I was proud of myself for shedding the rules and labels, but then it became a bit of an addiction.

I don't like to diagnose myself with orthorexia and I definitely didn't have it as bad as some people, like Jordan, I still can't deny myself the disordered thoughts I experienced. Since going to Disney World, I no longer feel held back by foods (well I'm getting there) but with my new found freedom, I think I keep trying to prove something to myself. I try and prove that I can order an ice cream in a cone, or fries instead of a salad as a side, or a scone at the coffee shop instead of just a drink.While none of this is wrong and allowing myself to eat these extra treats and not working out as much is not making me feel my best. My digestion hasn't been great, I haven't felt as energized or strong, etc. It's hard for me because some of these treats I have been allowing myself haven't been great–like Ben & Jerry's non dairy ice cream or a homemade pastry from Artifact Coffee–but there's one thing in common: sugar and being processed. Like Jordan explained in her latest article, sugar is so easy to cling on to. In addition to sugar, I use processed foods (like the gluten free, vegan, paleo "healthy" kinds of processed foods) as my comfort blanket.If I am being completely honest, I am frustrated. I am frustrated because I keep preaching about balance but it is so hard to find. I feel that I am always at two opposite ends of the spectrum–very strict or eating all the foods in sight and physically not feeling my best.It's really hard for me because I want to get to a place where I eat the foods that make me feel good without feeling like I have to eat that way (which happens to be mostly healthy, whole foods). I am also stuck in a pickle because I do want to allow myself treats such as ice cream or baked goods that I know won't make me feel as good but eating enough to satiate my craving but not enough to make me feel physically ill. Make sense?Like always, I feel all over the place. I am learning that feeling like this is just part of the learning and healing process. Being aware of what I am feeling is the first step towards growing and moving past these feelings.This post is for me and to process the things I am feeling but it is also for you–to remind you to be kind to yourself and to trust the process.