Reintegrating into Your Life after living Abroad

The first month back from being abroad for 10 months was great. I spent my time catching up with family and friends and enjoyed all of the American things that I had missed while I was in Europe. Soon after, I moved back to Baltimore to begin my senior year of college. I've been back at school for a couple of months and it's starting to hit me that adjusting isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

It's not the fact that I miss Europe or my friends that I made or traveling–even though I do miss those things deeply. It's that I am finding it so hard to stay in alignment right now. I'm having a hard time adjusting to being extremely busy (different in school systems, having an internship, extracurriculars, and balancing having fun and enjoying my life). Right now, everything in my life feels like something on a to-do list. There's no room for stillness, spontaneity, or anything new to come in. My self-care is planned out. My socializing is planned out. It's difficult because even though I don't like living like this, I feel that it's the only way to juggle everything going on in my life right now.

In Europe, I began to value just being in the moment. I had the privilege and space to have a lot of downtime and fewer responsibilities but I don't think that's an excuse. How can I transfer the values that I created while I was traveling into my everyday life? Why is it that when I am "home," it's so easy to get into a routine of going to the same places, seeing the same people, and doing the same things?

I've been having an internal battle with myself these past months since coming back to school because I have so much that I want to do in Baltimore, in my life, and for myself but I continue to get pulled towards the easier things. Like sleeping in instead of waking up to try a new yoga studio or going to the same bars with my friends instead of getting out of my comfort zone and going to an Ecstatic Dance Workshop by myself. How do I balance between honoring where I am and knowing where I want to go and who I want to be? I think the difficult thing, for me, is that where I want to go doesn't align with the majority of people around me. I've done a lot of things alone–I'm not afraid of it–but my community right now feels SO good. So does that mean I stay where I am, even if it may feel stagnant? Or is there a way for me to integrate all of these things that I want? I think the latter but it's going to take some prioritizing and figuring out what lights me up the most.

The thing that I miss most about living abroad was how free I felt. There's freedom in traveling. There's freedom in walking through a city where you don't understand the language. There's freedom in meeting strangers and connecting with them. There's freedom in trying new things. As I write this, and as I've been thinking about this topic, I know that this freedom is possible to find anywhere. But I feel blocked. Am I stuck in my old ways? Am I scared to navigate through a new, unfamiliar space? There's comfort in what you already know. That comfort is intoxicating for me. I hold on to it but constantly feel like I can do so much more.

I've been asking myself how I can integrate new things into my life. I think it'll be easier than completely overhauling my entire schedule and going MIA on all of my friends. This week I am going to integrate a couple of yoga classes, make time for solo time, and be as present as possible with how I'm feeling and what lights me up. Change is inevitable and in 6 months, I am going to graduate and that will bring one of the biggest changes in my life. Let's see where it takes me.

I've missed blogging. And freewriting in general. I got away from it while I was abroad. I've gotten away from this account in the past year, especially on Instagram. I feel guilty sometimes but also I know that I need to honor what I am feeling. I still have so much to share but I am feeling passionate about sharing my thoughts and creating community for myself and others in real life.

Here's to change and honoring where we are.

~ Nikki

Photos shot by the ever so talented Joshua John Marie, check out his work!