One Year Sober in My Early 20s

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DISCLAIMER: If you or someone you know struggles with substance abuse, call 1(800)662-4357 or visit https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline. This blog post simply expresses my own experience with alcohol and its role in my life. I am incredibly grateful that I have the choice to be sober from alcohol and contemplate its role in my life.

I hesitate writing this blog post because my relationship with alcohol is one that is so personal. I recognize that most people my age don't view drinking in the same way that I do. I want to write this in hopes to provide comfort to those in their early 20s who don't align with the societal drinking patterns; as well as, empower you to know that you have a choice in every single aspect of your life. Although alcohol is something that is practically glued to every single social interaction (both in media representation and real life), you don't always have to say yes to it.

When It Started

I began questioning my relationship with alcohol during my sophomore year in college. I had been drinking since 16 and have never considered my habits as problematic. As I opened myself up to health, wellness, and spirituality, I found my drinking habits no longer aligned with the life that I wanted to live. For 2.5 years, I'd go a few months without drinking and I'd always fall back into a cycle of having one drink at dinner then the next weekend a few more drinks when I went to the bar, and then getting drunk multiple nights every single weekend. I mean, I was in college, that's just what you do.

As I cycled through periods of drinking and not drinking, I continued to feel this inner knowing that alcohol did not serve me anymore. I knew in the depths of my soul that this was not something that I even wanted in moderation. Drinking moved me further away from myself and as someone who has done a lot of work to connect deeply to myself, it felt pointless to intentionally set myself back.

What Opened My Mind

Over two years, I read so many books about sobriety, podcasts, and began following people who showed me that there was another way to live your life. I opened my eyes to the realization that I had a choice of whether or not I wanted to have a glass of wine with dinner. As I explored this new understanding, I felt more empowered to slowly accept the reality that I don't want to drink and I don't have to hide that or feel ashamed about that. The biggest struggle for me was feeling like no one around me understood the thoughts going through my head. I felt as if I had to move through this journey alone.

While I was abroad, sick with mono, I intentionally took a few months off of drinking and I felt closer to myself than ever before. While I initially knew I didn't want to drink because my body was so sick and literally could not handle alcohol, I used this time to experiment with telling people that I wasn't drinking without an explanation or excuse. I started sharing my truth (knowing my health could be a good reason to say no) unapologetically and I realized, most people really don't give a sh*t about what you are doing. In fact, many people admire when you are able to stay true to yourself.

Throughout this time, I continued in this cycle of abstaining from alcohol and quickly falling back into the social aspects of drinking. I didn't want to miss out on my 20s buuuuut after a lot of reflection, I realized that partying and drinking all the time isn't in alignment with what I even want in my 20s. I'll admit, it's extremely difficult to stay strong in following your inner knowing regardless of how strong it is. When everyone around you is doing one thing, you subconsciously believe that you have to do that too. Heads up, you don't and I don't either.

The Turning Point

I don't remember if I consciously decided that November 16, 2019, would be the last time I drank but... it was. The weekend following, I had my first Cacao Ceremony planned. For cacao ceremonies, you abstain from alcohol at least 24 hours before in order to feel the effects of the plant medicine more deeply. This was the moment that I think there was a subtle shift in my consciousness to finally let go of the attachment to this person I thought I had to be in order to fully embrace who I actually wanted to be.

Since then, I've had many one glass of wine (which was sorta like an experiment to see if I wanted to drink again...I don't) and I've tried sips of my friends drinks but I've really had no interested in drinking. Like at all.

What I've Learned

After a year of being sober, I feel more deeply connected to my most authentic self than ever before. In every aspect of my life, I feel in alignment with myself and I have come to a place that I deeply trust and love myself. Abstaining from alcohol and sharing that with others has guided me to become more secure and empowered in myself. There's no more social lubrication or having a couple of drinks to ease nerves before a first date, I work hard to fully embrace each moment as it is and stay true to myself while I'm at it.

I do think that some people can drink alcohol intentionally without it being a problem but, for me, it's a vibration that I no longer align with. The moment I accepted that was the moment I accepted myself. This past year, and the nearly 3 years before it, has been difficult. I've lost friends, felt isolated, misunderstood, like an outsider but, in retrospect, I feel so empowered in who I am that it's all worth it. I have such a deep love and appreciation for my life that anything that numbs me out to the present moment feels like a disservice to myself.

The Importance of Inner Reflection

I'm not here to tell you to not drink alcohol or to judge you on whether or not you drink. I don't think I'm better than those who choose to spend their weekends partying. Instead, I simply want to show you that there is a different way to live your life. I hope this encourages you to take a step back and reflect on the attachments you have in your life–do they serve you? do they align with the person you desire to be? You have a choice. It doesn't have to be simply about alcohol but it could be the food you consume or toxic relationships in your life, or staying in a job that drains your soul. We have a choice. We can say yes or no. Just because we say no today doesn't mean that we have to say no tomorrow. I might wake up tomorrow and really crave a glass of wine; and I'll give that to myself.

My journey exploring what it means to be sober has shown me the depth of my own resilience and strength. I know that whatever age you are, moving through sobriety or even contemplating these ideas can be extremely lonely. I hope that this brings you the recognition that you are worthy of prioritizing yourself and your inner knowing. If you need someone to talk through these things with, I'm here. Always.

Resources I used to better understand my relationship with alcohol:

PS – I love Brooklyn Brewery Special Effects NA Beer and Brew Dr's Clear Mind kombucha for a fun non-alcoholic drink at night :)

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