Mourning the Loss of Old Dreams & Aspirations
As early as I can remember, I dreamed of living in New York. A younger version of myself dreamed of performing on Broadway or with the Radio City Rockettes. I aspired to live in the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple; working my ass off; completely intoxicated from the energy of the city that is unlike no other. While I have since let go of that version of myself, it wasn't until I recently spent a month and a half in New York that I realized I have yet to mourn the loss of those aspirations.
Letting go of the person you once were
If you are familiar with shadow work, or any personal development work, letting go of the person you once were is a difficult but necessary process. This journey can look like changing habits, letting go of people, and shifting priorities throughout your life. I have done a lot of this work in the past, and in some ways and constantly letting go of old versions of myself. While I do much of the work to change my present reality, I realize, I don't often reflect on the past aspirations I once held. /
The Performer
As mentioned earlier, one of the strongest versions of myself was the performer. I grew up dancing pre-professionally for 15 years. I went to a performing arts high school, I attended workshops and intensives, I dreamed of nothing other than performing. For my entire adolescent life, my aspiration was to become well-known in the performing arts world. I fed off of compliments, I developed a distorted view of myself and my worth, and I thought hustle was the only way to succeed. When I got burnt out from dance during my Junior Year of High School, I didn't know who I was. Years later, during college, I spent time mourning that past self but there was always a little voice in my head telling me that path could still be what I wanted.
The Cali Girl
Around the same time I was phasing out of my dancer identity, I went on a two-week-long road trip through California with my Dad. We were visiting my older sister and doing *all* the college tours. This was 2015 and in midst of my first identity crisis, I found a sense of home in California. It was the first place I ever remembered feeling myself. Looking back, perhaps this is because this was a time in my life when I cared so deeply about my physical appearance and still aspired to be known in the world. The glamour and allure of Hollywood struck a chord in my heart and since then, California has been in my head as a place I will live. 6 years later, I finally return for a brief trip to San Diego. And if I'm being honest, I felt none of the infatuation I once felt.
Letting Yourself Evolve
As I was walking through the Portland airport, after my trip to San Diego, disappointment and confusion was filling my entire body. I expected San Diego to be someplace I could see myself calling home, I thought. Since 2016, California had been this place I held close to my heart but I'm realizing now, I don't think that version of myself is who I am anymore. California is much more than San Diego, I know, but even still, my priorities have shifted since I was 17 and I aspire to different dreams and realities for myself.
I have so much love for myself at 16 and 18 and 21 and now. Each evolution of myself is beautiful in its own way. I am realizing, something I hadn't even thought about, that something I dreamed of 5 years ago could still be a dream for me but, also, that dream can change. That shift can be scary and in some ways, disappointing. It's necessary to mourn these aspirations that once filled our hearts and hopes for the future.
Staying the Same
I have a tendency to expect myself to stay the same. Maybe that's why I've kept up with this blog so much – when something feels good and becomes comfortable, I have a tendency to stick with it. It's easier to stay with something (or somewhere, someone) that is familiar than it is to honor the knowing it might not be for you any longer. I feel that way with astrology right now.
For that reason, I'm taking a step back and creating space for something new to come in. It takes courage to create that space; to let go of the aspirations you once held, to let yourself evolve and grow and dream new dreams. This is your nudge to let something go – move forward and move on. Each season in our life is there to teach us something new about ourselves – let it do that and then let it go once it is time to move on.