On Wanting to Change The Body You Are In
A reflection on my body image and how it has changed and shifted throughout the years. This is how I deal with the thoughts of disordered eating during times of stress or familiarity when I am back home in the place that I grew up. And a loving reminder that you are so much more than the body you fill and it is not necessary for you to try and take up less space physically or energetically.
I’ve always been hyper aware of the space I was taking up in this world.
For fifteen years of my early life, I stood in front of the mirror for hours comparing my body to the body of others – being a dancer shaped me into the person I am today in many ways. My sense of self was dependent on my body image for so many years and that still sometimes comes out in little and big ways.
I’ve talked about my experience with disordered eating and orthorexia in the past but have been quiet about it in the past few years. I thought it had made its way out of my mind but with the holiday season approaching and after a year of thoroughly enjoying life, I find myself standing in front of the mirror wondering if anyone else can notice if I’ve gained weight.
It’s funny because I don’t know if I’ve gained weight or not, and it doesn’t really matter. But I feel bigger. Home in my childhood bedroom, I try on clothes from high school and college and wonder why they don’t fit me the same as they once did. I compare photos of myself from now and this time last year to see if there is a noticeable difference in the way my face looks. I find anything I can to measure and compare and criticize the body that I am currently housed in.
When I was younger, I used to let these thoughts spiral mindlessly and they would throw me into a routine of intense HIIT workouts, minimal carbs and skipping out on all of the holiday treats but this time around, I’m sitting with the discomfort.
I’m reacquainting myself with the thoughts and feelings that once ruled my entire life.
I am allowing the familiarity of being home and being back with the version of myself who loathed everything about herself. I am accepting these things without letting them dictate how I feel about myself or how I treat myself.
When I was at my lowest weight, or the skinniest in the mirror, it was senior year of high school and I was hardly eating. I had become obsessed with the way my reflections stared back at me because I thought, then and only then, I would be lovable in the way I desired. I hated my life and I hated myself but barely eating allowed me some control that let my mind rest for a few seconds.
The years that followed, I was plagued by the fear of gaining the freshman fifteen. Again, I didn’t eat much. I worked out intensely and I feared coming home and everyone talking about me behind my back. This period of my life sparked the inspiration for Naturally Nicoletta, so thanks for that, but I also lost my love and joy for food.
As I became aware of these disordered thoughts and tendencies, I eventually healed my relationship with food and my body image. This is not about that story, though. I want to talk about right now.
In the past two years, I haven’t given too much thought to the way my body looks and rather focused on enjoying the pleasures of life. When traveling, I want to experience it all but I also tend to fall out of balance with a lifestyle that nourishes my body, not just my soul. It’s inevitable that after eating conchas and croissants and late night pizza your body will change but it is also inevitable that as you grow older, your body will change – despite how many hours of yoga you practice or green juices you drink.
My body in high school was different than my body in college just as it is different than my body today. But in my brain, it should all be the same. I should be able to fit into everything I wore freshman year of high school because that is what size I am. But that’s not how it always works.
My body is a physical representation and reminder of all of the moments that have lived thus far in my life.
It is the delicious food I ate on first dates with strangers, it is the charcuterie and wine I had with my best friends, it is the street food in Mexico and malasadas in Hawaii, the pastries and pizza and all of the moments in between. My body houses it all and I would never want to miss out on remembering the very things that make me, me.
I used to look at my body and think it was the reason I felt that people didn’t love me. Not only is that not true (and if someone only likes me for my body…they can leave) but it is diminishing the very essence of who I am. In trying to keep myself small, both physically and energetically, I am holding myself back from living life fully. I am ignoring the goodness that has gotten me to where I am today – what if I rejoiced in all that it?
When I find myself looking at my body through the eyes of a version of myself who hated the world around her, I take a breath and gently tell her she is safe, she is loved, she is perfect just as I am. I move my gaze to the seat of my soul and remind her of the same thing. Then to my legs to thank them for walking me across cities new and old. I thank my stomach for the joy of eating and the big belly laughs that wash over me with joy. And my cheeks for radiating light and my smile for all of the kind words it says. I thank my body for all of the ways in which it takes care of me and keeps me healthy. Finally, I thank my soul for the guidance to have these realizations.
If this holiday season, or any season of life, has you questioning your physical appearance and restricting the things that make life sweet, I want to leave you with this – it is one thing you desire to nourish your body and prioritize the things that make you feel good but remember that sometimes our soul needs nourishing too. Enjoy the sweetness of life. Life is short, we don’t know when it will end – this could be the last time you savor the sweetness alone or with the ones you love most. Also, I love you for you. Not your body. Or your skin. Or the way your hair looks.
Your essence shines brighter than any physical aspect of you – that is the thing that magnetizes people into your presence.
This was originally posted on my Substack, The Process. To learn and read more, subscribe here.